My Testimony
God had already loved me before I began loving Him.
Ever since then, God has been my living Father.
I grew up in a christian family. My father is a pastor in a evangelical church and my mum is a very dedicated pastors wife. I knew God from a young age and I did love him. Everything my loving momma said about God I agreed with and tried to apply her teaching among my friends. Unfortunately, I had a very harsh childhood and became a victim of verbal abuse. I thought it was normal to have a family that was constantly fighting and soaked in bitterness. All these experiences in my childhood affected deeply my inner soul, mental health and the understanding of healthy-loving relationships. If you want to know more about my past life and childhood, you can always get in touch with me, click below.
In my teenage years I started to question God, why would He let me suffer under such miserable circumstances? I barely could be a child, because I always needed to protect my brother and being a comforter for my crying mum. The feeling of being constantly reminded that you are unworhty, not welcome, dumb, annoying and a burden for the family financially, left deep scars in our hearts. The seed of hate grew in me, including against my Father in heaven. I could not understand why a God who is so loving would let me suffer like this. Through the years, as I grew older, I started to rebell against my own family and my beliefs. I left the church because I always heard the same phrase: “You need to forgive, God loves you, let`s pray about it.” That`s not what I wanted to hear nor was it soothing my pain. So I started to attend less and less churches and was looking after different distractions.
I have felt emotionally in prison,
….but I never lost hope because I knew there was always someone behind me.
At the age of 18 I found peace in alcohol, clubbing, and heavy metal. I went twice a week to clubs or concerts. I felt very convinced that heavy metal and clubbing, gives me the confidence and strengths. To put the cherry on top, I started to nurture very “exotic” love lifes with various shit guys. My belief in God was becoming just a shadow for me. I hurdled myself into lifeless darkness, and could even find pleasure and peace in those shitty enviroments. The hardcore black metal helped me to let out my anger and frustrations with my family and life itself - it was a kind of therapy. I became pretty dependent on music. At that point I still considered myself a christian, even though I hated the church. I got involved with drugs and one-night stands pretty often, that was my hobby. God was nevertheless still there, and whenever I got myself into dangerous situations I would all of the sudden cry out to the Lord. Obviously when you are dealing with drugs or hanging out with “drug addicted bad boys”, you as a woman are not safe. However, whenever I asked God for help he was always right there. Twice He protected me against rape and abuse, but that is another story. Even through my experiences being apart from my Father in Heaven, I still perceived Him in my presence, even through various distractions. But let`s circle back, in my childhood I tried to be as holy as possible, and however in my later years I was the one who became devillish. This is a typical process known as loosing yourself. I thought I understood what life meant….
I started having issues with my mental health, anxiety and depression, which started to rule my daily life. At the age of 20 I found a counsellor who encouraged me to think about getting baptised. I liked that idea because I knew my life was upside down and I was battling a lack of identity. I knew I needed to change something, even though I didn`t know exactly how. I had no plan. So I got baptised in May 2017. But, the horror had just begun. The next two years became some of the hardest years of my life.
It was the entrance out of my darkness….
After getting baptised, the fights in my family became more agressive. I was not the only one who struggled with mental health. At the same time I went through horrible toxic break ups and fights with a narcissistic ex and among other men. My body couldn`t take it anymore. I started to deal with PTSD and various uncontrollable panic attacks and became agressive. Alcohol was still my number one. So in February 2018 I went to a pub to join to my clique to have fun and nurture my “hobbies”. All of the sudden, after one hour of being in the pub, while drinking my beer, everything became numb and vague and I heard God`s voice. The whole scene around me stopped for a second and He was asking me: “Debora, look around is this what you want? See these people, are they your good friends?” When I heard His voice, I froze, stopped drinking and I saw labels above each one of my friends, describing who they really are. The dude next to me with sex issues; the friend next to him is a heroin addict; the girl next to him has a personal disorder, having a fling with another drug addicted dude. When I saw that, I was shocked, as if I have woken up from a very bad nightmare. I could not bare the reality and I said to God: “Lord, I cant do it anymore, I am sorry.” I left my “friends” in the pub and ran home straight into my mum`s arms. I said sorry to my momma, and apologized for everything I have done. That night, I repented, surrendered my life to Jesus.
You think afterwards that I was set free and had a fullfilled life? Wrong! It was the opposite.
I was not aware of the higher level of horror I was going to face. After praying that night, I literally lost my ground under my feet and felt outside of my body. I started to have suicidal thoughts. Three times I was so close on ending my life forever. My Enemy was right there and constantly screaming at me, and telling me: “You hate your life, you have accepted the Lord so why don`t you want to be with Him now? Cut your life now, so you can be with Him.” Yes my dear friends, these phrases I heard when I wanted to jump in front of the train. When I wanted to make my step, God was speaking with a very soft voice instead: “Debora, you know you are going to have a better future ahead. You know what I have prepared for you.” With that phrase I came back to my senses again and realize that my life was still worth it. I went my first time after years by myself to the church. On the way to the church I was haunted by bad spirits around me, who were crawling over me and screaming after me demanding that I shouldn`t enter the church. I had felt such a weight on my chest and back that I could only stay in the church for only 5 minutes before I had to leave. All this spirits around where screaming continuously. Right after I entered the church they played worship. I crashed down and bawling my eyes out like never before. The tormenting spirits had left me and the suicidal thoughts did as well. I am free!
Since this church visit, I have been set free from my past and God has set his place in me sealed forever. Right after, I quit my job and left my family, friends and the past for England. Soon after, I had my first revelation of the idea of a Pub-Ministry…if you want to know more about my crazy ass idea - stay tuned.
